I’ve got to be honest, I got really grumpy with God this week. Grumpy to the point where I must have resembled my toddler having a tantrum about not getting whatever it is that he wants. Grumpy to the point where I was accusing Him of not caring and not being all that He’s promised He will be. I think God must have used up extra patience from His storehouse on me this week…!
The thing is, it’s been a tough few weeks – battling illness in our home, children not eating or sleeping (or both!), multiple visits to different medical professionals and scary diagnoses being mentioned and looming threateningly overhead. The levels of pressure have been up and the number of hours of sleep have been low. That’s a dangerous combination right there.
And so, after another night of broken sleep my frustration and hurt and disappointment and weariness came tumbling out in some big questions – ‘Where are you God?! Why aren’t you breaking in? Don’t you care? We feel like we’re drowning over here!’ In all honesty, it felt good to let it out. It wasn’t my prettiest moment, but it was real! The funny thing is, even as the accusations were coming out of me, there was a deeper truth holding me steady in my heart, aware that the questions were rising out of my flawed perspective and sleeplessness rather than a new found discovery of flaws in Him. But it did my heart good to let the hurt out so that I could invite truth and affection in. Once i’d spent my hurting emotions fully, I was able to just be still for a while and as I did that, of course I could hear Him speaking into my circumstances.
I was reminded of 1 Kings 19:11-13 when Elijah is waiting to encounter God, but God is not in the dramatic earthquake or wind or fire but rather in a quiet gentle whisper.
The truth is, i’m a woman who likes breakthrough earthquakes – quick, epic turnaround moments where the landscape of my circumstance changes drastically in just a few moments. And of course God does work that way at times, and I really love it when He does! But the reality is, that’s not the only way He brings breakthrough and life. Some of His ways are more subtle, quieter and less dramatic. It’s easy for me to miss the whisper when i’m hoping to see Him in the earthquake. But this week, after my outburst, God has graciously been pointing me to all His whispers of breakthrough in the last season. Whispers of incredible loving family and community who have surrounded us and given us strength. Whispers of health improvement in small increments where it’s easy to overlook the improvement because it’s not complete… but it’s improvement nevertheless! Whispers of miraculous energy levels even despite shockingly low levels of sleep. Whispers of smiles and giggles from poorly children where love and joy has overpowered illness. The list goes on and on when I start to adjust my lenses.
So i’m writing this this morning with my circumstances having been somewhat improved but not yet completely restored. But i’m smiling and full of hope knowing that God is whispering to me even now and that every moment of my setting is a set up for me to encounter His goodness if i’ll just stop and be still and let the whispering God envelop me again.